When Fangirls Attack
by FyreOpal25
Summary: Havoc must save the day! Yes, I'm serious.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Yep. It goes right here.

He felt he had been running for hours. Sweat trickled down the side of his face, plastering his hair to his head. Were they still behind him? No, he couldn't stop. They were too strong.

_Ishbal sounds nice right now. A nice big desert, lots of open space, makes it real hard for them to sneak up behind you. _His thoughts were frantic, panic and adrenaline controlled his every reaction.

"OH MY GOD THERE HE GOES GET HIM GET HIM!"

Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, hero of the Ishbal Rebellion, ran for his life….

* * *

Edward Elric yawned and slowly stretched the kinks from his back. Glancing at the clock on the wall, he realized that he had been in the library for almost five hours. This meant he had missed lunch. It also meant that Al had probably smuggled a new kitten into their dorm room.

_Well, he's just going to have to smuggle it right back out, _Ed thought absently as he returned his books to the shelves. He yawned again, and turned for the door. Ed ambled down the steps of the library, not paying attention to anything other than his stomach. It was loudly protesting his missed lunch.

Edward never saw them coming.

"IT'S HIM! IT'S EDWARD! OH MY GOD WE LOOOOOVE YOU!"

The fangirls attacked.

They set upon him in seconds, pulling his clothing, caressing his face, undoing his braid to run their fingers through his hair.

Ed screamed.

A note: I am so mean. Reviews are welcomed. Flames will be given to Roy. He's going to need them.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. :wacks evil lawyer on the head:

Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc had a problem. He was late for work. For many people, being fifteen minutes late for work did not really qualify as an emergency. Most people, however, did not have Riza Hawkeye as their superior.

Therefore, it was with great anxiety that Havoc slunk into the office. He glanced to the left, and then the right.

"Hey? Where is everyone?"

Havoc walked toward the door that lead into Colonel Mustang's office.

"Hello?"

Havoc broke into a huge grin. He couldn't believe it. He, Jean Havoc, had been late for work and had not gotten shot.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Havoc flinched and hid behind the door, as Breda and Falman rushed into the room.

"Did you see how many there were? And our weapons had no effect! I can't believe this!" Breda was panicking, almost as if there was a dog present.

Falman tried to reassure Breda, without success. "They can be stopped. Lieutenant Hawkeye said so."

"Yes, and then they tackled her and dragged her off to who knows where! They are evil! Evil!"

"Who is evil?" Havoc stepped out from his hiding spot to see what the fuss was all about. "Did you say someone dragged Lt. Hawkeye off? And they didn't get shot?"

Breda laughed nervously. "No, they were shot. But the bullets didn't hurt them!"

Havoc looked at Falman. "What? How is that possible? Even if they used alchemy?"

"Sir, they did not use alchemy. They didn't have to."

"What are you trying to say, Falman?"

"We're under attack by fangirls!"

* * *

_A large, somewhat out of place castle…_

Edward Elric squirmed and struggled. Try as he might, he could not free himself from the strange, glowing purple chains draped around him. He at last stopped fighting and leaned his against the wall. Ed did not like the room he was in. It was decorated with large posters. The posters showed either himself or Roy Mustang. A few showed both himself and Mustang, but Ed was trying very hard not to look at those.

_I have to escape. I have to escape. I have to escape!_

The door opened, slamming into the wall and causing Ed to emit a small squeak. Six girls walked in, all wearing shirts with 'Fullmetal Alchemist' written on the fronts in bright pink. The girls glanced around, as they did not see Ed. He wasn't in the same spot they had left him in.

_Yeah, right, like I'm going to stay tied up on a bed in some castle that's infested with fangirls!_

Unfortunately, one of the fangirls spotted Ed in his corner.

"Oh, there he is! He is so cute up close! Look at his eyes, they really are golden!"

Ed winced, the fangirl had a voice like rending metal.

"Hey, you know I can hear you!" Ed glared at his captors, to little effect.

"Oh, don't worry, Ed! You won't be alone for long! Someone special will be here soon!"

Ed froze. "What does that mean?"

The shortest fangirl smiled. "Don't worry, everything is going according to plan!"

And with that comment, the fangirls turned and bopped out of the room, giving Ed a wonderful view of the backs of their T-shirts. There, written in puffy blue paint was

ROY AND ED 4EVER

Ed fainted.

A note: Should I keep going? If I do, Havoc will be the hero. Review, send email, hey, I might put you in the story...


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: It's not mine. :slams door and locks it: Stupid lawyers…

Ed slowly awoke. _Hmmm…This is a comfy bed…Could lie here all day…Long as those fangirls stay gone…Fangirls? FANGIRLS!_

Ed bolted upright. The chains tightened around him, and he began scanning the room. _No one there…no one in that corner…no one on the left of the bed…Roy Mustang on my right…no one over there…wait a minute…_

"What the hell are you doing on my bed?"

Roy glared up at Ed. "You talk in your sleep Fullmetal, did you know that?"

Ed gritted his teeth. "You let yourself get captured, didn't you? Hell, you probably ran up to them and started asking them on dates!"

"No, see I have standards, Fullmetal, and yaoi-crazy fangirls are not on my list. They were waiting for me outside of East City's H.Q. I spent most of the morning running from them. And just how did you get caught? When they dragged me in here, they said something about you fainting." Roy smirked.

Ed growled. "They ambushed me. Hey, have you seen Al? I'm afraid of what they might have done to him."

Roy tried to get comfortable, not an easy thing to do with fangirl-chains wrapping from his shoulders to his ankles. "Actually, I heard one of them say something about them capturing Al. They said something about a way to keep him busy." Roy glanced around at the posters. "This room makes me nervous."

"You, the great Flame Alchemist, nervous? Well, well, well. Who would have thought. By the way, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST FLAMBE THEM?"

Roy grinned. "Haven't you ever seen a fangirl before? Alchemy and most weapons won't work against them. It takes something special to defeat fangirls, and neither you norI can fight them."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"Oh my god, look at them! They are so gorgeous together! If they keep arguing, they're sure to start making out! Oooohhh, I can't wait!"

Ed and Roy slowly turned their heads to the doorway. Two fangirls had entered. One of them, a tall blond, had something in her hands. It was a small silver case. The other, slightly shorter with curly brown hair, let out another squeal.

"Oooohhh, I can't believe this!"

The blond smiled. "Ed, we have something for you! We knew you would worry about your brother, so we had special room built just for him! Take a look!"

Ed stared at the fangirls. The blond opened the silver case to reveal a blank screen. She pressed a button, and a picture appeared.

It was Al. He was sitting in a room. Ed moaned, his brother was not going to show up to rescue him.

The room was filled with kittens.

* * *

Notes: Wow, what a response. These chapters will probably be pretty short, for some reason my attention span just isn't that long. Havoc returns, next chapter! 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own it. :throws frying pan at lawyer:

Havoc frowned. "I thought we had special defense forces solely to fight fangirls. What happened to them?"

Falman shook his head. "They were taken out in a matter of minutes, sir. We believe the fangirls were waiting to ambush Colonel Mustang. He was last seen running away from a very large group of them. We've also received a report of a sh- small blond being abducted from in front of the library. We believe that to be Edward Elric, as the report states that the subject was screaming obscenities."

"Yeah, that's gotta be the chief. Hey, where's Fuery? I haven't seen him yet."

Breda paled. "You don't want to know."

"Tell me what happened, Breda!"

Breda jumped, Havoc sounded unusually serious. "Well, Lieutenant Hawkeye led us out to see if we could stop the fangirls who were trying to enter the offices. She was telling us that they are extremely hard to defeat, but it can be done. She also said the Colonel would be as helpless as if was raining. Anyway, next thing we know, these four girls jumped out of nowhere and started yelling, "Oh, it's Cain! Fuery is so cute!" and stuff like that. They pulled out these purple whip like things, and they wrapped around Fuery. Lieutenant Hawkeye ran forward, shooting them with every step, but it was like the bullets just bounced off."

Falman sighed. "A larger group came running up and started screaming at the lieutenant. I will not repeat what they said. They didn't have any kind words for her. Lieutenant Hawkeye fired until she was out of bullets, but they just laughed and grabbed her. They started dragging her away, and they weren't very gentle."

Havoc let out a whistle. "So why didn't you two get grabbed?"

"They said we weren't cute enough." Breda grumbled.

"Okay, first we have to find out where the fangirls have set up their castle. They like castles. Then, we'll have to figure out how to infiltrate it. And hopefully by that time, we'll have discovered their weakness." Havoc looked at his men. "You are certain that Hawkeye said they have a weakness, right?"

KABOOM!

The office door blew apart. Havoc, Breda, and Falman turned to see a strange person standing among the splinters.

The person, a female person, wore a black, skintight outfit. Curly pink hair flowed over her shoulders to outline a very well developed bustline.

"Run!" Havoc grabbed Breda and Falman and began shoving them towards the window.

"But…Look…She's…pretty…" Breda's eyes glazed over, and he began to fight off Havoc.

"Ha, ha, ha! Let him go, he can't resist me!" the thing in the doorway cackled.

Havoc and Falman shoved Breda through the window, and quickly followed.

"We have to get word to Central. The enemy are using Mary Sues!" Havoc hauled Breda to his feet and began to run.

* * *

Roy Mustang looked at the boy lying to his left. _I think they broke him._

Ed was curled up on his side, a strange, loopy sort of grin on his face. Every once in a while, he would mumble 'kittens', followed by a high pitched giggle. The giggle was followed by sobbing.

Roy sighed and wiggled his feet.

* * *

_Central H.Q._

"Lt. Colonel Hughes, we've received a very strange phone call. You're needed at once."

Hughes looked up from his newest photo album. "Oh, it must be Elicia, calling to tell me hello-

"No, sir, it's Lieutenant Havoc from East City. He says something has happened."

Hughes grabbed the phone. "Hey, Havoc, if you weren't able to get that tea set for Elicia, don't worry, you can get her - What? Are you sure? Roy and Edward? I'll handle things here, you take care of yourself, okay? Call when you find the castle." Hughes hung up and looked at his secretary.

"Get the Fuhrer on the line. We've got big problems in East City."

* * *

Notes: I set this in East City just so I could put Hughes in. I miss him… Oh, if anyone has sent me any messages, aol may have deleted them. Sorry. 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Not mine. :looks at lawyers: 'Release the hounds!' :lawyers flee:

Ed rolled onto his back. Roy glanced over to see that Ed had stopped sobbing. _Now what's he going to do?_

"Mustang, we have to find a way out of this room!" Ed's eyes sparkled with determination.

Roy smirked. "Great idea, Ed. Don't know why I didn't think of that myself."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"No."

Ed growled. "We are going to have to get out of here. Who knows what those fangirls are going to do to us? Do you know how to get these chains off?"

Roy shook his head. "As far as I know, the only people who can remove these chains are the fangirls." He looked towards the door. "Did you hear something?"

The door opened a bit, just wide enough for Roy and Ed to see the a girl peeking in at them. She had dark brown hair, and her eyes were fixed upon Ed.

"ED! OMG, you are so friggin hot! Did you know I'm your biggest fan?" The fangirl threw the door open and ran to the bed. She reached out and let the tips of her fingers brush against Ed's cheek, then drew back and began to hyperventilate.

"Oh…it's…really you. I…oh…" The girl shook her head. "My name is Harriet, and it's such an honor to meet you, sir! I have dreamed of you every night since we began planning our invasion, and you are even more hot in person!"

While the fangirl was speaking, Ed began to carefully work his way across the bed. He didn't want to make any sudden moves, as he was afraid she would do more than touch his cheek. Next thing Ed knew, he was leaning against Roy's chest.

"Move, Mustang! I want to get away from her!" Ed hissed, keeping one eye on Harriet, who was going on and on about how Ed saved her in her dreams. "Mustang! Mustang! ROY!"

Roy jerked. "Hey, what about me?"

Ed gnashed his teeth.

The fangirl stopped. "Oh, hi Roy. I forgot about you for a minute," Roy gnashed his teeth, "I was just so excited to finally meet Ed! Wait, why are you sitting in Roy's lap?" Harriet frowned.

_Ah, why does she look pissed? _Roy began to feel a bit nervous.

Ed was still grumbling to himself about Roy's comment. _That's it, you bastard, ask the crazy fangirl 'what about me?' instead of helping me escape! I'm gonna tell Hawkeye all about what you do with your paperwork_ _when I get out of here! Huh? What-_

"Eep!"

While Ed had been busy planning Roy's torture, Harriet had decided to do something. She grabbed Ed by his chains and hauled him back across the bed, all the while yelling something about being an 'Ed girl' and 'no yaoi' and 'Roy, you are nice, but you're just not my type'.

Ed stared at Roy. He'd never seen a human turn that shade of purple before.

_Somewhere in the fangirl's castle…No, I don't have a floor plan_…

"We need to strike soon! The rest of the military will show up soon, and then we'll have all those background, identical looking characters running around!" A tall, red haired fangirl with a badge on her shirt that read 'Secretary of Mary Sues' stood in front of a dry erase board. "We need to find the rest of our most wanteds!"

A tall blond fangirl nodded. She was the one who had shown Ed and Roy that Al had been captured. "Yes, we still have quite a few left, and we have lost the element of surprise. We do have Hawkeye in custody, but we still need to capture Maes Hughes and Izumi Curtis. Well, actually, I don't think we can capture Izumi, but we at least need to keep her occupied and out of our way. How are the Mary Sues working out?"

The red head smiled. "Perfect, of course."

The blond grinned. "Good. Make sure we have plenty in stock. I'm going to go update our leader on the situation. By the way, have you seen Harriet?"

Notes: I found out why my sister wants me to stay with her. She wants someone else to cook. Then, I lost my notebook. Found it behind my bed. Can plot bunnies mate with dust bunnies? Maybe I don't want to know…

Now taking votes on who gets captured next!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine! Damn.

_Central H.Q._

"Fuhrer Bradley, sir! We have received a report from Second Lieutenant Havoc in East City! He reports that the area is under attack from fangirls!" Lt. Colonel Hughes waited for his superior to respond.

_Darn, didn't see this coming any time soon. _"Do we know how strong the enemy is? Have we received any information about what kinds of weaponry the fangirls are using?"

"All we know for sure is that they are using Mary Sues. We have information that all of our anti-Mary Sue forces have been wiped out. We have also we received reports that Colonel Mustang, Edward Elric, Lt. Hawkeye and a number of others have been captured. We're having some trouble with communications, but Lt. Havoc has been instructed to see if he can locate the fangirls' castle."

Bradley nodded. "Get all of the top brass in here immediately. I want every resource we have devoted to stopping the fangirls. I will not let them overrun Amestris." Bradley stared at Hughes. "You are dismissed."

As he watched Hughes leave, Bradley frowned. _This could upset so many of our plans. I must let the others know. We need Elric too badly to let anything happen to him.

* * *

_

_East City_

"Come on, Breda, snap out of it!" Havoc grabbed Breda's shoulders and started to shake him.

"Sir, I don't think that will help." Falman stood to the side, a worried look on his face.

"Well, what are we supposed to do, leave him here for that Mary Sue to find? There's no telling how many of them are roaming around here. We need to find a place to hide while we plan what to do next." Havoc stood up. Without Havoc's hands on his shoulders, Breda slumped over and slid to the ground. "Aw, damn, I can't carry him."

"Maybe we can find a car to commandeer. What are we going to do about the fangirls?"

Havoc sighed and looked skyward. "When I talked to Hughes, he told me he wants us to find the fangirls' castle. Problem is, I don't know where to start looking. And even if I did, I can't drag a comatose Breda with me. Right now, we need to get off the street. It's not safe out here."

* * *

_Also in East City_

"Are the snipers in position?"

"Ready on your mark."

"Is the collar ready?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Take him down as soon as you have a shot. We'll only get one chance at this, so don't screw up."

"The target is coming into position."

"Collar is ready."

"I'm taking my shot."

POP!

"Move, move, move, girls!"

"We've got the collar on him!"

"Good work, girls! Let's head back and celebrate!"

"Oh, my god, won't Ed be happy!"

"Hey, his hair is much softer that it looks!"

"Okay, no molestation until we get back!"

"But he's so cute!"

"Fangirls!"

"Okay, but you have to let us hug him! It's so incredible!"

"Whhaa…hug me? Hey…let go…"

* * *

Notes: Now just who could they have captured? 


End file.
